AITA for digging up dirt on my ex?
Discover more from AITApod Newsletter
Welcome back to another week of the AITA Newsletter!
This week we’ve got a girl dancing to WAP, parental philosophies, and a nosy girlfriend!
Enjoy :)
-Jenna
Guess The Verdict
AITA for “forcing” a girl to dance to a sexual song?
OP (19M) is part of a dance group.
There is a girl (20F) in the same dance group that picks on OP since he is one of few male members of the group, and he has been chosen for center roles in the choreography more than she has.
Every year this group participates in a freestyle dance competition.
During the competition individuals get paired together at random, at which point they either choose a song from a playlist for their partner to dance to, or choose for them to get a random song.
OP was paired with the girl from his dance group. The girl chose for OP to dance to “Super Freaky Girl” by Nicki Minaj - a song that is very sexual and feminine.
When it was time for OP to choose the girl’s song he chose for a random song to be played. The random song happened to be “WAP” by Cardi B. OP could have “rerolled” for a different song, but let it be.
The girl looked uncomfortable and tense through her performance, and OP thinks she may have been crying at the end.
The girl’s friends are calling OP a jerk.
Community’s Guess
My Take:
Based on the title alone, I’d have guessed YTA. After reading through the story, I’m going NTA. I hope that both OP and the girl have learned from this though.
It’s kind of the classic story of someone “getting even.” The school bully punches another kid in the face, the other kid hits back. The teacher only sees the second kid hit back, so that kid gets in trouble. Getting revenge doesn’t usually work out exactly how we want. It might be fair, but not everyone will see it that way.
On the other hand, if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.
Reddit Verdict: NTA
Top Comment:
“NTA - Whoever put that song into the list of randomizers is. Sounds like she was a little malicious with her intent and karma followed suit.” - Pronebasilisk
Juicy Post of the Week
AITA for telling my wife to stay out of it?
OP and wife have an 11-year-old daughter.
The daughter and her best friend have a lot of sleepovers and FaceTime frequently.
This year, the girls ended up at different middle schools and are making new friends.
The daughter recently had her best friend over for a sleepover. This time, the friend spent 3 hours talking to a different friend on a FaceTime call. The daughter was being excluded from the conversation.
OP’s wife got frustrated and confronted their daughter’s friend, asking her if she’d like to go home.
OP told his wife to stay out of it. OP doesn’t want to fight their daughter’s battles and have her become dependent on them.
OP’s wife insists that they should continue to confront the friend, but OP wants their daughter to stand up for herself and “learn the difference between a good friend and a bad friend.”
OP told his wife that she would become the “b*tch mother that scares away our daughter’s friends if she is constantly stepping in” and the wife is angry.
Reddit Verdict: YTA
Top Comment:
“I think your wife should have pulled your daughter aside and asked her how she wanted to handle it. Let her be the solution-provider and help her if asked. But I understand your wife was feeling protective of your daughter’s feelings.” - RudeEar5
Expanding on this topic….
Using this AITA post as a bridge to talking about parent intervention with drama and bullying, let's see what the internet says.
25-30% of kids have been bullied at school (University of Wisconsin-Madison).
Parenting expert Michele Borba says to “stop rescuing” and “encourage social endeavors from a distance.”
Kids may not tell adults about being bullied due to embarrassment (Kids Health).
A good first step for parents is to notify adults at the school before confronting the bully’s parents (Kids Health).
My Take:
NAH. No one has bad intentions here, and no one is really hurt. OP and his wife disagree about their parenting methods with the newfound issue of how they get involved with their daughters’ relationships with her peers. I’m no parent, but I think that both sides have pros and cons.
Parents who are overprotective and get involved with their child’s friendship dramas can cause the child to be dependent on others to fight their battles, and take away opportunities for their child to learn how to stand up for themselves. Parents who refrain from involving themselves at all can miss out on opportunities to teach their children how to be assertive and diplomatic. If I were a parent whose child was being bullied, I would probably encourage the child to talk to the bully and ask them to stop without being mean or aggressive. If that didn’t work, I would probably ask for a meeting with someone at the school - a teacher or counselor - and then offer to be there while the child explains the situation to the other adult. If things escalated further, perhaps a meeting with the school and the other parents.
There isn’t a right or wrong answer here, I think, but OP and his wife can try to find the middle ground. It’s not all the involvement vs. no involvement. It’s not about them. It’s about what their daughter needs. Maybe next time they decide to talk to their daughter before confronting the friend, asking her how she feels about the situation and suggesting that she talk to her friend about it.
Danny’s Take
Hard disagree with Jenna here, ESH. An 11-year-old is starting to develop their own autonomy. They need to learn to deal with emotions— even sh*tty ones like dealing with a neglectful friend.
Mom is helicopter-parenting here and it’s to everyone’s detriment. For one, it’s not her place to scold for this “rude” behavior in terms of the other friend. If mom really wanted to intervene, she should’ve opted for curiosity and questioning of her daughter, not coming for a kid that isn’t hers and that strictly speaking, isn’t doing anything wrong.
Do adults not take phone calls in each other’s presence? Not all together-time is necessarily focused discussion time. She is projecting her own feelings and ideas about what constitutes a good hang. A lot of people just like to share a space. Note that daughter didn’t even raise the issue. So the real issue here is actually mommy being in control.
That said, I have big qualm-age with his communication style. Dad said, “I told her she will become the b*tch mother that scares away our daughter's friends if she is constantly stepping in.”
Ok well he’s right, but referring to any woman as a b*tch is at best hideously uncouth and at worst, a slur. This could’ve been offered with a more neutral, “I’m concerned your interference is affecting her friendships.”
He sucks for being a shitty, hostile communicator and she sucks for not respecting her child and confusing parenting with baby-ing. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Children are not pawns in your game of Perfect Family. ESH.
Juice of the Week: via Relationship Advice
AITA for contacting my partner’s ex and asking for her side of the story?
OP (29F) started dating her boyfriend (31M) two years ago. BF is described as sweet and the two had an “instant connection.”
OP was married and had an amicable divorce. BF describes his ex, who he dated for 1 year, as a disloyal cheater who left him to be with a rich “stranger.”
BF brings up his ex often and gripes about her. Conversations always seem to be derailed by bringing up his ex.
OP looked at the ex’s social media. Ex is married and has two kids, living in the suburbs.
OP added the ex as a friend and messaged her, introducing herself. OP asked if she would share information about BF.
Ex told her side of the story, calling BF possessive. Said he broke/smashed things and abused her mentally and physically. She sent pictures of bruises and screenshots of conversations.
Ex devised and executed an escape plan, leaving the country while he was at work.
Years later BF still sends her messages. Hateful comments, nice messages, and birthday wishes. BF also continued to contact ex’s mom until mom got a new phone number. Ex sent OP screenshots of the messages.
OP has not talked to BF about this yet and still endures his constant talking about Ex.
Top Comment:
“Time to gently but firmly back out of this relationship OP. You have landed yourself a possessive narc and they are nothing but trouble. At least you know what to expect if you decide to end this.” - DimTimfromKew
My Thoughts:
NTA for consulting the ex. OP doesn’t seem super concerned in her post, but going to her BF’s ex seems like an act of desperation. She’s going behind her BF’s back, yes, but clearly it was necessary. BF is the AH for hiding his messages from OP, and for the way he has treated his ex.
I am surprised that OP is still with BF. A two-year relationship where all he does is talk about his ex? That’s a long time to put up with an obvious red flag. Time for OP to take off her rose-colored glasses and end the relationship as peacefully as she can.
Danny’s Take
I am almost ready to ding OP for going behind her boyfriend’s back as a case of borderline criminal internalized unassertiveness— you really can’t ask a single question to this man? I mean he’s already bringing her up. You can’t just say, “well, what about you, what are some of the mistakes you made in the relationship?”
That said, bc ex reported physical abuse, it’s not hard to see a picture where this guy is a real piece of work. Guessing transparent and calm communication isn’t exactly the hallmark of someone so unhinged to repeatedly bring up their ex.
I’m big “break up with him” energy, but not just because what ex said— I think if you find yourself wanting to go on a backroads hunt for the truth about your current partner, you may discover that the desire for this journey alone proves something about this relationship is already fundamentally broken.
I don’t care what she says — the fact that you don’t feel comfortable confronting him about this obvious red flag says enough! RUN.
NTA on the situation taken as a whole because she did, in fact, smell what was cooking, but in general I would YTA for reaching out to your partner’s ex for “their side of the story.” That’s a huge betrayal. If you really can’t trust their account of events, then why are you indulging this obviously non-healthy relationship?
We have run into quote a few characters who like to play detective, but please stop roleplaying Law & Order and just GTFO, for your own good.