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AITA for opting out of a Thanksgiving dinner?
Drama between brothers may result in an awkward Thanksgiving
Welcome back!
This week we have for you some immense holiday-themed drama! Kick back with a mug of hot cocoa and enjoy the mega assholery at work.
Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcast episode.
Enjoy :)
Asshole of the Week
OP’s mother has a unique holiday tradition. Every year, before the family’s big celebration, she requests that the women in the family send her a sample of whatever dessert they plan to make for the party. She then tests each one and decides whether it is worthy of being served. OP’s wife has complained about this, as two of her desserts were rejected in years past. OP’s mother has explained to her that she is doing this for the sake of her guests, and that she has their “best interests at heart.” OP’s wife, however, feels that it is a deliberate and personal exclusion.
This year, OP’s mother told the women to send her samples again - but this time specified that it should be cookies. Determined, OP’s wife worked hard to make a good batch of sample cookies. OP wrote that “the results came in yesterday,” and that he came home to find his wife extremely upset. OP’s mother had rejected her desserts once again. OP’s wife said that she would no longer be attending the Christmas celebration.
OP was surprised and upset by this, calling his wife “unreasonable” for deciding not to go because her cookie sample was rejected. He wrote that it was “freaking crazy and quite unreasonable.” The two argued, and OP’s wife continued to cry.
Our Opinion: YTA. OP knows that this is a sensitive topic, and that his wife believes it is a personal rejection rather than just a dessert rejection. She has tried year after year and has been rejected repeatedly. To be fair, OP’s wife could have just decided not to partake in the baking and sampling ritual, to prevent this kind of distress. However, it is probably important to her that she fits in with OP’s family. OP should try to be understanding of his wife’s predicament, and perhaps try to mediate between his wife and mother rather than call her crazy and unreasonable.
Top Comment: “So, correct me I'm wrong, but for years and years your mother has demanded that all the women (why not men too?) in your family send in samples. For years and years your wife has tried her hardest to appease your mother, had pushed herself to the limit, and has been left completely and utterly demoralised each and every time by a humiliating tradition enforced by the holiday tyrant. And, even worse, her shame was publically put on display each and every year as other family members would no doubt notice that, once again, her food was not chosen. Finally, after producing something she was unbelievably proud of, she was once again left embarrassed and most likely deeply hurt as she was deemed not good enough for yet another year. This is the straw that broke the camel's back and she decides she has had enough of her humiliation and that she will not give her cruel MIL the satisfaction of seeing her discomfort on such a big day. She makes a boundary that many would have made a long time prior. And her husband tells her she is unreasonable for setting up boundaries? Dude. Come on. You know YTA.” - Reddit user ZealousidealWin8128
Total (Holiday) Drama
OP is 8 years older than his brother. OP has been living in a different state since his brother was 12, and states that they “aren’t close.” Recently, OP moved back home to the city where his parents and brother live. OP hoped that he and his brother would grow closer, but that “it never really happened.” OP is hurt by his brother’s flakiness and lack of connection.
When OP’s brother got married in September, OP was told that there would be no wedding party and that he should simply get a gray suit, and would be given a blue tie for family pictures. However, in the dressing room, OP noticed that his brother and two other men had matching gold ties. Sure enough, the bride and groom were accompanied by a small party on the stage.
OP was very hurt by this, and wrote that he “spent the cocktail hour in a stall in the bathroom, embarrassed and hurt.” OP sat through dinner, but again felt slighted when he discovered that there had been no efforts to accommodate his food allergies when dessert came around.
A week after the wedding OP sent the newly-married couple a letter that told his brother, “I thought things would improve once I moved here, but this wedding has shown me that we don’t have a relationship outside holidays at mom and dad’s house, so let’s just keep it real and I will see you there. Being disappointed all the time isn’t healthy for either of us.”
Now Thanksgiving is here, and OP wants to know if he would be an asshole for skipping out on Thanksgiving since his brother will be there with his wife and a few friends.
Our Opinion: ESH. While OP’s brother is not obligated to have OP in his wedding party, it was pretty crappy of him to lie to OP and say there wasn’t going to be a wedding party at all. He needs to be an adult and tell OP the truth, that there would be a small wedding party but he would prefer for OP to just be in the audience since they aren’t very close (a fact that OP acknowledges). Lying to OP only caused OP to feel blindsided. OP probably does not have to take the desserts so personally, and definitely did not need to send that letter after the fact. It would have been better for OP to simply tell his brother, “Hey, I felt very blindsided at the wedding. I know we aren’t close but I would like to fix that and spend some time together.” OP created this awkward Thanksgiving for himself, and while he doesn’t have to go it would be an opportunity to make amends.
Top Comment: “Nah. You don’t need to go. But your brother did nothing wrong. You do not need to put siblings in the wedding party just because. He had the desserts he wanted for his wedding. Your allergies are bad for you but don’t effect wedding desserts.” - Reddit user CompleteInsect8373
Reply to “But your brother did nothing wrong”: “He flat-out lied to OP about there not being a wedding party. His brother didn’t have to put him in it, obviously. But, to outright lie and say that they weren’t having one, rather than saying, we aren’t close enough for you to be in the party, is a total dick move. Especially, since he knew his brother was going to be at the wedding and see that he intentionally lied. Of course OP felt humiliated, his brother didn’t even have the decency to tell the truth.” - Reddit user PaganCHICK720